“Enriching Your Marriage”

A couple of weeks ago, DeLynn and I attended a Marriage Enrichment Workshop.  My parents attended a similar workshop about thirty years ago and raved about it ever since. It is not that DeLynn and I have a bad marriage, quite the contrary, but we also realize that we aren’t perfect – far from it.

In my ten plus years in ministry I have found in the couples who have come to me for marital counseling that the number one problem in most marriages is the lack of EFFECTIVE communication.  Too often we want to be heard, but don’t hear.  We want to be understood, but don’t try and understand.  Too often we return anger with anger.  It doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to go to a workshop to learn this.  Everyone wants their relationship to work.  They often just aren’t sure how.  Effective communication isn’t the only tool necessary, but it is one of the most important.  So, you ask, how do I effectively communicate with my spouse?  Glad you asked!

You start by listening.  You listen to not only what is said, but also to what is not being said.  You don’t assume you understand but reflect back to your partner what you thought you heard and see if you are right.  You put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  Believe it or not, it isn’t all about ME! You identify your own feelings and articulate them and then see if your partner “gets it.”  And you don’t stop at the surface feeling. 

For example, when we get angry it is usually not about the anger.  There is almost always another emotion behind the anger.  Often we get angry because we are hurt.  We show anger, but what is underneath, the root cause of the anger, is hurt.  When we can get past the anger and uncover the hurt it is a lot easier to understand the emotion and deal with it.

And that’s just the beginning.  Making your marriage better is hard work.  It is intentional work.  It is not easy, but it is rewarding.  Wouldn’t it be nice if your partner really understood how your felt?  Wouldn’t it feel good to really know what your partner was saying and/or feeling? I think so. 

We are a really busy society.  Often we don’t have enough time to fit in spouse, kids, job, hobbies, let alone church.  We don’t need one more thing … or do we?  If enough couples are interested, DeLynn and I would love to start a couples group that investigates ways to improve our marriages.  If you think you might be interested, send me an email at stoytlr2@aol.com.  If enough folks show an interest we’ll try and put something together.

Maybe it’s because it is February and Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, but love is in the air.  Let’s harness it and put it to good use in our marriages! 

Have a great month … and I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Pastor Tom